Nighttime anxieties often emerge around age three.
Mommy, I’m scared!
Is your toddler or preschooler suddenly afraid of the dark or a monster in the closet or under the bed? It is very common for older toddlers to begin expressing new fears at night. Nighttime anxieties often emerge around the age of three. While some newly expressed worries may seem silly or trivial to our adult ears, these worries are very unsettling and truly scary for our little ones. How quickly our children will feel comfortable or overcome their fears partially depends on how parents and caregivers address them. Here are some suggestions to help your child overcome nighttime fears:
Acknowledge the fear
Let the child do the talking and reflect their fears back to them with reassurance. It is important to identify your child’s fear by asking questions and listening to what is scaring them. Often we dismiss the fears, or mistakenly make them worse by adding our own comments. Avoid making comments or coming up with tactics that support your child’s fears, such as creating monster spray to keep the monsters away, checking in the closet or placing something by the child’s bed to offer protection. By approaching their fears in these ways you are only supporting the child’s belief that they have something to be afraid of.
Avoid scary themes
Monitor what stories and shows your child is exposed to during the day and especially before bedtime. Scary themes or images seen on the TV or through media and books can cause children to have more fears in the evening. Once they see an image that is upsetting, they may have a difficult time letting it go. A study done in 2006 showed that 5-6 year olds exposed to certain TV programs slept less overall and experienced more sleeping disturbances due to their fears.
Stress the safety of their bedroom
The best approach is to keep your child in their usual sleeping space so that they learn their bedroom is safe. Allowing your child to move to a different sleeping space when they are scared reinforces the message that they are safer in another bedroom other than their own. Having your child crawl into bed with you when they are scared may result in increasingly frequent visits or requests to sleep in your bed. To encourage positive feelings and comfort in their own bedroom, implement positive and pleasant nighttime routines like reading, singing, cuddling, or laying together in the sleeping space.
Positive thinking and replacement thoughts
Provide your child with positive, safe and/or happy “replacement thoughts”: specific pleasant images and messages to help them feel safe. At bedtime, talk about a fun activity you’ve recently shared together (baking with daddy, visiting the playground with mommy) and suggest they think about this as they are resting in bed or if they begin to feel afraid. Continue to reassure your child that they are safe in their room, and that you are in the home and will check in on them and keep them safe.
Timing is everything
Make sure their sleep schedule is still the right schedule. As children get older their sleeping needs change. It is ideal that your child is going to sleep at a time when they can fall asleep within 20 minutes of being put to bed. Children who spend too much time in bed trying to fall asleep have more time to dwell on their fears.
Comfort objects and bedtime routines
Evening rituals of pajamas, brushing teeth, books and goodnight hugs offer security in their predictability. Keep the environment in the room conducive to sleep (cool, dark and quiet) and provide comfort items. Allow your child to go to bed with a special soft toy or blanket and encourage them to hold it close or hug it when they feel scared or worried. A dim nightlight can provide additional comfort but make sure to avoid any color other than red or amber so you do not disturb their sleep. Consider using a continuous white noise machine to mute out sounds that may be misconstrued as other things.
For more information on toddler sleep and managing toddler behaviors:
- Our Sleep Webinar series offer many topics helpful to parents of toddlers or preschoolers. See Trading Down Sleep Associations for Toddlers, Bedtime Routines 18 – 36 months, Checking In for Toddlers and others.
- For Sleep Support for parents of children from infancy to age four years, learn about our phone-based Sleep Consultations.
- If you have developmental or behavioral questions about your child (including managing fears or other concerns), our phone-based Parenting Consultations are also available.
